Next Edition info goes here!

[Ravenanon]

Katie Holmes and her purple hands!
title of article is: Katie Takes her love of Purple to a whole new level
http://www.topsocialite.com/katie-holmes-purple-hands/

Carmichael and his " I smell well..."
title: Rev. John Carmichael finds a new scent in the air
http://www.rickross.com/reference/scientology/history/history150.html


Those are my two...

[ethercat]

INCOMM computer system and the Planet Chug:
http://ocmb.xenu.net/ocmb/viewtopic.php?p=343456#343456

This will need some translation from scilon to English for the general public, but here's the post from Jason Harris (goes by pelagic):

Chug: well given that I once held the post of D/Chug Project I/C for Technical, OSA will have to work hard at disputing what you say.

Chug was the name of a planet, that according to Hubbard, almost suffered from a revolution. The computer system put together the facts of civil unrest, and reduced tax revenue. It determined that the current Duke of Chug was actually increasing taxes, but not forwarding them on - he was embezzling the money.

Hubbard's idea was that we could create a computer system similar to this. One that would watch the world wide scientology stats, and detect problem areas. Then take immediate action and prevent the situation from getting out of hand.

So the computer would detect a scientology org that was not doing well, evaluate all the statistics, and then issue a rote "handling".

And BTW, according to Hubbard, that computer ordered the Duke of Chug executed. This was carried out and the planet went back to "normal".

Accordingly, the computer systems we programed had unlimited ethics powers, backed by Hubbards ethics policies. They never ordered anyone executed, but they had the full gamut of scientology ethics to apply.

The SP Hall reminds me of the end result of another system. This was called Orders Logging. You may have heard BFG mention COB's staff that do nothing but log all the insane orders he gives? Well we designed and implemented a system that helped not only track all these orders, but tell you who was continually non-complying. All the orders were integrated, and non-compliance to one, meant all your other orders went up a notch.

Every time you non-complied to an order from COB (no matter how ridiculous it was) you went up a gradient. This starts from noting your non-compliance, ordering a debug on the target, up the gradients through ethics investigations and hearings, then onto committes of evidence (courts martial). The end result of continual non-compliance was you getting a provisional SP declare, and eventually the real declare. Sound familiar?
-------------------------------- end Jason's post --------------------------------

[ethercat]

What is really needed for the Wacky Cult News to work is outlandish headlines. Most of the stories in the original edition were not funny in and of themselves, but the headlines were so over the top, that it appears to be a regularly published tabloid. Think Weekly World News!

(For the record, I didn't come up with the original headlines; it was a critic from ARS who goes by "henri" among a few other names, who posted the articles with the subject lines that eventually became the "headlines." He had a real talent for it.)

Other ideas as headlines:

Been in an accident? Call Tom Cruise!
(We should all know what that one's about.)

Money-grubbing "church" Denounces Middle Class
http://ocmb.xenu.net/ocmb/viewtopic.php?t=29418

"Church" Leaders Play Musical Chairs to Eliminate the Unfaithful, Fights Break Out Over Chairs
http://ocmb.xenu.net/ocmb/viewtopic.php?t=24064

Desperate Cult Recruits Criminals and Addicts
article about narconon and criminon

Perverted Scientology Reverend Makes Lewd Remarks to Youngster on Street
John Carmichael and "I smell pussy."

Anyone want to choose one and write a short article? Or think up some more headlines?